Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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