Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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