I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
