So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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