so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
