dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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