M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
