I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
