I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
