Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i barfeds in our rink
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
