my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
