I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
