I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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