You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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