I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
