She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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