Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
