Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
