I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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