She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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