Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
