If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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