I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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