shes about as inviting as chlamydia
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
