I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
