Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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