All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
