Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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