Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
