Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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