two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
