So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
