Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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