I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
