haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize