I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
