did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
