stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
