i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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