So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
