Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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