she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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