I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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