Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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