chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
