Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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