chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
