woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
