My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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