you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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