I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
