Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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