Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You have to summon your inner elephant
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
