So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
