we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize