Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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