she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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