shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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