My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you inspire me to be a worse person
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
