I accidentally had phone sex last night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
