We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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