im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
