i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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