i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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